I long to be in control…of everything. I try and plan my life out to the most intricate detail, hoping and sometimes genuinely believing that things will work out as I had planned. My problem then lies with my innate ability to always ask the Lord to have His way in my life, and to do as He wills, because it is the thing I ultimately desire.
A tension perhaps?
My goodness it can be so frustrating to leave things in His hands, and it’s only frustrating because I obviously want things to be my way. It’s quite the challenge to trust him with everything. I find myself thinking about this or that often to the point of anxiety, and anxiety that that interrupts my sleep. I long to have the desires of my heart, I also long to know where He is guiding me, for Him to define and color in these passions that seem to be bursting at my rib cage.
Yet things don’t go as planned, they never seem to…ever. But in the midst of my struggle with control over my life you’ll find me with a smile on my face – (because for one thing I think I smile in my sleep but even more so) I’ve begun to learn that even when it hurts, the Lord is good. This seems to be my theme for this season I’m walking through, having many wonderful things cross my mind, and then realizing that it’s either not time yet, or never going to happen, or the Lord has other plans. But in the end that’s what I long for whatever He wants. Even if I have to cut out the passions that rage so widely inside my heart, or the dreams that I have to tranquilize just so I can take my next breath. Even if all that I desire has to be laid down and forgotten…He is still good.
It seems the song ‘Blesses be your name” never seems to escape being played in our churches, yet every time we sing it, it comes back to me with new and revived meaning…’when I’m found in the desert place, blessed be Your name’.
I love the Lord, with all I am, and even now as He asks me to lay down things I know He has placed in my heart I trust Him, because He is good, and He knows best…
Even when it hurts….really…really badly.
3 comments:
You seem to have a way of bringing things into perspective, and once again you've done it. Thank you. The Lord knows, and He alone is good.
Greg, you have taken the thoughts right out of my head. I am in the middle of the same thing. I don't know what your situation is, but i know that i am having a super hard time with mine. One thing God has been trying to tell me is that He doesn't dissapoint. Today i went to one of my old roomates weddings and i couldn't get over this feeling of jealousy and almost even rage! Like how is this guy getting married before me??? But God kinda spoke to me on my ride home and i just felt like.... I dont even know. I do know that whoever God has for me is gonna be great! Like amazing. And i need to do things in His time, not mine; which i more than hate. But Greg, know you arent alone!!! If you need anything... ever. LIke even 20 years down the road, i would love to be there for you. Much more to say, for another time.
Love you Greg
amazing! truly. I admire your openess, inspiring. Thats all.
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