I long to be in control…of everything. I try and plan my life out to the most intricate detail, hoping and sometimes genuinely believing that things will work out as I had planned. My problem then lies with my innate ability to always ask the Lord to have His way in my life, and to do as He wills, because it is the thing I ultimately desire.
A tension perhaps?
My goodness it can be so frustrating to leave things in His hands, and it’s only frustrating because I obviously want things to be my way. It’s quite the challenge to trust him with everything. I find myself thinking about this or that often to the point of anxiety, and anxiety that that interrupts my sleep. I long to have the desires of my heart, I also long to know where He is guiding me, for Him to define and color in these passions that seem to be bursting at my rib cage.
Yet things don’t go as planned, they never seem to…ever. But in the midst of my struggle with control over my life you’ll find me with a smile on my face – (because for one thing I think I smile in my sleep but even more so) I’ve begun to learn that even when it hurts, the Lord is good. This seems to be my theme for this season I’m walking through, having many wonderful things cross my mind, and then realizing that it’s either not time yet, or never going to happen, or the Lord has other plans. But in the end that’s what I long for whatever He wants. Even if I have to cut out the passions that rage so widely inside my heart, or the dreams that I have to tranquilize just so I can take my next breath. Even if all that I desire has to be laid down and forgotten…He is still good.
It seems the song ‘Blesses be your name” never seems to escape being played in our churches, yet every time we sing it, it comes back to me with new and revived meaning…’when I’m found in the desert place, blessed be Your name’.
I love the Lord, with all I am, and even now as He asks me to lay down things I know He has placed in my heart I trust Him, because He is good, and He knows best…
Even when it hurts….really…really badly.
